Mercies

I have really wrestled with God over Layla, asking Him over and over "why??" and being angry with Him and wanting so badly to bring my baby home and get to do all those wonderful fun baby things. Something He showed me the other morning though is that I really have no right to demand He give me anything. I don't say that in a self-hatred, you shouldn't ask God for stuff kind of way, but in the truth of my smallness and God's greatness. Just to know Him is an amazing thing that I could never, ever earn. I think He wants us to ask Him to move, to bless, to be present, but to also remember how blessed we are to have HIM, and that He is 100% enough. Tough to remember, but the peace in that is overwhelming. Something else He reminded me of is what an honor it is to carry Layla right now, in this moment. We are just as much her parents if she lives 1 day or thousands. Praise God for His tender mercies and joys, that for today I get to enjoy feeling my daughter kick and move around, and I get the privilege of caring for her for whatever time God gives me to do so, because first and foremost she is His. Here is a song that has really spoken to me lately:

The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy) by Jars of Clay
You have led me to the sadnessI have carried this painon a back bruised, nearly brokenI'm crying out to You
I will sing of Your mercythat leads me through valleys of sorrowto rivers of joy
when death, like a gypsycomes to steal what I loveI will still look to the heavensI will still seek Your facebut I fear You aren't listeningbecause there are no wordsjust the stillnessand the hungerfor a faith that assures
I will sing of Your mercythat leads me through valleys of sorrowto rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluiaalleluia, alleluia
while we wait for rescuewith our eyes tightly shutface to the ground using our handsto cover the fatal cutthough the pain is an oceantossing us around, around, aroundYou have calmed greater watershigher mountains have come down
I will sing of Your mercythat leads me through valleys of sorrowto rivers of joyI will sing of Your mercythat leads me through valleys of sorrowto rivers of joyalleluia, alleluiaalleluia, alleluia