Thursday, October 20, 2011

Not Ready

I should probably start off by saying this is going to be a heavy post. I made a commitment to myself that I was going to be completely honest with this journey, and that means sharing the hard stuff. Also, if there are any other people out there going through the same thing our prayer is that we can be a help to you by being real and authentic.

That being said, it is getting more difficult emotionally as we get closer to Layla's due date. My anxiety is rising as what once seemed so far away is approaching much too quickly. At the last ultrasound the tech turned on the 4D machine which I wasn't expecting. It was amazing the images we were given and I am so thankful for all the pictures we are getting, but when I saw her little face (which is shaped like Drew's :) ) I just about lost it. I don't want to give her up, plain and simple. I want to take her home and watch her grow. Drew and I were talking the other night and he made a good point, "most parents go to the hospital full of excitement, and we won't be feeling that way." I have read through my support groups that the delivery day is very peaceful, even though it is hard. I am praying that for us, that the day she is born will be a day of peace and joy for all of us. We feel so weak and unequiped to handle this, but then I am reminded that our Father has told us that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. I am clinging to that truth, because He is the only way we are getting through this. He may still work a miracle for us, and we are praying He does, and if He doesn't we are praying for strength to accept His will and get through it. Jesus is the same, no matter what.

One last thought that a friend told me that just resonated with me: Layla is so loved already, by us, her family, friends, and countless others. What more can you hope for your child than to be loved? And at the end of all this, she gets to bask in not only our love, but the love of the One who created the heavens, and her.



  1. I'm not very good at praying specifically, so the one thing I have been continually praying for you guys is the word "peace". As a Christian, you already have it- you just have to claim it. Every moment. Claim the peace of Jesus. I know you do!

  2. Kristina,
    I weep with you over the words you have GENUINELY and AUTHENTICALLY expressed. I wish I could tell you what a blessing you are to me, and to others I'm sure, but the words don't seem adequate. Your friend is right...Layla is SO loved. And it is so obvious that she has an amazing mother. May you feel God's hands of comfort on you as you near the delivery time.