Thursday, October 20, 2011

Not Ready

I should probably start off by saying this is going to be a heavy post. I made a commitment to myself that I was going to be completely honest with this journey, and that means sharing the hard stuff. Also, if there are any other people out there going through the same thing our prayer is that we can be a help to you by being real and authentic.

That being said, it is getting more difficult emotionally as we get closer to Layla's due date. My anxiety is rising as what once seemed so far away is approaching much too quickly. At the last ultrasound the tech turned on the 4D machine which I wasn't expecting. It was amazing the images we were given and I am so thankful for all the pictures we are getting, but when I saw her little face (which is shaped like Drew's :) ) I just about lost it. I don't want to give her up, plain and simple. I want to take her home and watch her grow. Drew and I were talking the other night and he made a good point, "most parents go to the hospital full of excitement, and we won't be feeling that way." I have read through my support groups that the delivery day is very peaceful, even though it is hard. I am praying that for us, that the day she is born will be a day of peace and joy for all of us. We feel so weak and unequiped to handle this, but then I am reminded that our Father has told us that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. I am clinging to that truth, because He is the only way we are getting through this. He may still work a miracle for us, and we are praying He does, and if He doesn't we are praying for strength to accept His will and get through it. Jesus is the same, no matter what.

One last thought that a friend told me that just resonated with me: Layla is so loved already, by us, her family, friends, and countless others. What more can you hope for your child than to be loved? And at the end of all this, she gets to bask in not only our love, but the love of the One who created the heavens, and her.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Our "Night Star"

We are having a girl! It makes it seem so much more real knowing this. We are so excited to be having a precious little girl and love talking about "her" instead of "baby" :) It is hard thinking about having to say goodbye to her, and my heart breaks when I think of all the special moments we are going to miss if she goes home to the Lord, but we are trying to treasure the moments we have with her now. When Drew and I were talking about baby names I really wanted to pick a name that had a special meaning-I love it when you hear a name and then learn the amazing meaning behind it. After a lot of searching, agreeing and disagreeing, we finally decided on Layla Esther. Layla means "night" and Esther means "star", and for us it just fit. Also, Layla is the name of the orphanage I was blessed to help with in Ethiopia, so that made her name that much more special.

Before we knew we were having a girl we had Layla Esther picked out, but the only people who knew were our family and a few friends.  Our dear friend Alison was already working on a quilt (gender neutral) for baby and sent me a picture of it to see what I thought (she lives in South Dakota and was going to mail it to us when she finished). At this point I had not mentioned the name to her. When I saw the picture, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing-it was covered in a dark blue fabric with stars! It was as if the Lord was saying "you are having a girl, and I haven't forgotten her-I love her and know every detail about her." Then a few weeks later when we found out that we were having a girl, I wasn't surprised. God had shown up through our friend and reminded us that He knows our Layla. It is so incredible to me how even when we don't necessarily feel God speaking to us sometimes, He can speak to others about us and use them to remind us of His presence. What an amazing Savior we have that cares enough to speak to us through the details of our lives-a quilt, a name, etc...

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name." -Psalm 147:3-4